Battle of the Heart

when summer comes early in winter we call it an indian summer. what about when winter suprises us in the middle of a heat wave? indian winter? on saturday it was so hot i bought another fan and sat in the water. all week i have layerd the scaves and beenies to avoid chill blains.

the weather is more confussing than the boy situation.

arms and i hung out all weekend. during an event we were apart of, he got me lunch, and we sat together under a tree and ate sushi, laughing as we people watched. we had drinks every night after the events, and he begged me to come dancing saturday night. i'd say things were going pretty well.

however, deep down, at the core of my heart, i knew he couldn't be what i wanted him to be. the gentle soft compassionate man i need beside me. a set of eyes that see what i see and don't pull away in fear.

i care about justice and making a difference more than i care about my own life. i will gladly die doing justice. saving children, restoring dignity and unifiyign communities. he doesn't understand that. he thinks i am 'emo' when i cry over the state of the world.

but NZ Boy gets it. we have long emails about our plans to move to africa. dreaming of how to reach out to the homeless in our city. he challenges me and believes in me.

he has also given up a high profile musical career in the states to become a nurse with the intention of moving to africa to help with medical problems. i know what you're thinking....he's Jesus!

this is the man i need and want beside me...but how much of yourself can you give to someone you've had two 10 minute conversations with? i don't know when we'll next hang out since he doesn't tour any more.

i've begun to realise all i thought i wanted in a man, the money, looks, stability, means nothing if they don't care about what i care about. never in my life have i had so much interest from the opposite sex, but it doesn't mean a thing any more.

is it possible i have matured? oh god help me!

love to my b-friends who left comments of advice! i greatly appreciate it!

ex's and oh's

The Boy Factor

i haven't posted for awhile! sorry b-friends!

i try to be poetic, or funny, but today, i'm just not feeling it. i need to muse and release confusion over boys. i bet one of the most blogged about topics is relationships, or lack there of.

here is my dilemma.

for the past week, NZ Boy and I have been emailing each other. we met while he was touring with his band last year, and have been talking sporadically ever since. he's becoming a humanitarian nurse and he has the biggest heart for africa and people in poverty. we talk about the issues of the world and our dreams for making it a better place. we're totally on par with each other and i love that through our emails, he's getting to know my heart and who i am probably better than a lot of my friends here.

but there's always a complication. Arms (because he has amazing arms) and i have been friends for two years. we go out dancing and have dinner all the time. every one of my friends have had a crush on him at one point or another, but i've always remained firm that we are just friends. and then it hit me at church the other day, i like him. as in, i want him and only him. for ever.

which is great. he's amazing, and HOT! but we're Just Friends. he treats me like a little sister. the guys all think Arms likes me, but have we been under a brick the last 5 years? if he's not calling you constantly, and taking you out, and only dating you....say it with me....He's Just Not That Into You.

Between NZ Boy living in New Zealand and Arms seeing me as Just Friends, i'm a little lost. i had finally decided to be single, happily, for three more years. (which means i'd be 25 and ready to 'settle down'.) there's just so much i want to accomplish.

b-friends, what do you suggest? tell Arms? see if things progress further with NZ Boy? or wait it out. see where the pieces fall?