The plight of the forgotten

Sometimes I'm afraid of the darkness. the night conceals too much. but it doesn't numb the lonely.

do you ever breathe, yet your lungs remain empty and void?

the song on my lips is dry, the bird at my window flown south
and i can't remember the tune it used to hum.

friends, yes, they can be our truest source of who we are, and our value. yet they can sting at the core of our being and create doubt and misunderstanding in our minds.
i continually chose friends who are stronger than i. and they continually break my heart.
two of my best friends are so distant and silent it feels like the whole world has turned away with only a back to comfort my pain.

i keep me private and only exposed to the closest of companions. and while i am still single and yet to discover companionship, i allow fragments of my heart to be heard by these two girls, sisters i chose myself.

i am discovering that, like in high school, guys do come and go. they walk in and out according to their whims and desires, and pecker. one day, one will stay around, and pursue me longer than coffee. but until then, i have no one but my friends.

loneliness. it embodies a sphere and spectrum much greater than we give reference or credit to. in its essence, it is an oxymoron, for in loneliness, everyone sits at one point. so why is, that while unified by this common social disposition, that we all find ourselves staring bleakly at each face.

i don't say much. but i watch. and wait. and a silent tear escapes the corner of my eye, bearing the heartbreak beneath the ivory skin of fading summer.

To Be Free

I have been especially bad with my posts lately. I think it's been a few months since I've written anything.

I have been pretending not to 'live here'. To be somewhere else. Somewhere I don't have to acknowledge I still like in the same house as the last 5 years with no money to travel.

Somewhere, where life is more exciting than a movie Friday night, party Saturday night, church Sunday night and the in between filled up by obligations and expectations.

I watched Into The Wild last week. Every time I see it, I desire adventure. I recently made friends with a 'Dare Devil'. He actually kyakked across the Bass Straight in 3 months, and climbs mountains and does expeditions through the Antartic. It creates a longing in me, to hear these stories, for adventure.

As a teenager, I climbed the highest peak in South East Asia, white water raffed the rapids in Thailand, Malaysia, Borneo and Indonesia. Absailed, caved, camped and built houses and orphanages throughout SEA. Those things were 'fulfilling'. They made me believe happiness can be achieved and not something merely learnt through mindset.

I have spent the last 2 years without leaving the country. Cramped at a desk, writing thousands of words a day. Some meaningful to special people, and some on behalf of important and some of no meaning at all. I answer calls, return calls, send messages, see friends, listen to problems, read books, watch movies, laugh and cry, but never really truly feel alive.

I crave adventure. New experience.

We all do. Deap down. When we are truly honest with ourselves. We formulate an excistence around living 'normal' and 'comfortable'. And while it does satisfy us for a time, there is a growing itch and desire for our eyes to lay hold of something new and beautfiul. For our ears to be challenged by a language or mindset we have never heard. Our feet to take the territory far removed from what we already own.

Financial collaps has seen dreams of travel put on hold temporarily. But that is the beauty of dreams. They exist. If only in your mind. But the power of the mind is so forceful it can, with enough determination put legs on the dream and see it run.

I will see the children of Uganda, and the lions of the Safari.

The romance of the Eiffle Tower.

History of the Globe.

Fame of The Hills.

Culture of Soho.

White sands to Croacia.

Sunrise of Tuscany.

The best part? Experiencing God in all these places.